gratitude is all i can muster as i sit home on the hard, cold floor unpacking a basket full of love. as i wipe the tears from my eyes and try to think coherent thoughts and try to find a word to place with the plethora of raging feelings inside my heart, the best word i can find is gratitude.
times filled with sickness and pain and uncertainty are the times i remember, honestly, most fondly. in a twisted way, i have learned to like the hard times, to be expectant of the hard times, to embrace the hard times, and to be wary when things in life appear to be too good to be true. (maybe a bit cynical, but oh well.) the thing is, i become easily complacent, and the hard times jerk me back to dependency on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
humbling myself and admitting – i don’t have it all together. i cannot make everything all better or make the bad things disappear. i cannot save him.
when life is good, we have a false sense of security and control. we think we have it all together, that we can make every meeting, succeed in every adventure, make our life precisely the way we like it. safe. secure. perfectly in order. not one duck missing out of the row. But when sickness hits, trauma hits, uncertainty hits, our “security” and sense of “control” is pulled right out from under us like the magic trick with the set dining table and the tablecloth (except instead of the table remaining perfectly set, the dishes all clatter together, break, and pile up in shambles of glass shards). our life is the perfectly set table, and hard times try to yank away the tablecloth.
but there’s good news. God nudges and says, “my dearest lauren, my beloved, stop worrying – i got this. don’t worry about having to clean up the mess. I’m going to take care of you and of this earth in order to bring more glory to My name.”
again, i say it: gratitude.
the Maker of the Heavens orchestrates our lives for the sake of the glory of His name, and He calls us His children. Amidst this hard time glory is being brought to the Lord’s name through the acts of love of His humble and obedient servants.
in the shape of meals, freshly and carefully prepared. in the shape of gifts, bundles of cheer to brighten up any prevalent gloom. in the shape of necessities, helping us to continue on with normal, chaotic, wonderful life.
all i have is gratitude for you, servants of Jesus Christ, His sons and His daughters. and all i have is gratitude to the Lord for protecting and graciously caring for my dad. while he may be my dad, he is not mine. he is the Lord’s to give and the Lord’s to take away, and i will have gratitude nonetheless.
to tyler – my Ty-Ty – my yearbook mini me: i am so thankful, but even more than i am thankful, i am proud! you just said, “YES!” you felt the prompting on your heart and you did it. courageously. selflessly. lovingly. i want to be like you. i want so badly to express my thanks to you for your care, love, and thoughtfulness in more ways than a hug ever could. you and my other yerd babies are inexplicably special to me. may God bless you sweet souls.
ps: everyone, tyler and my other yerd babies got together and put together this cute little care package for me, and i cried a whole lot as i unpacked it last night. the love the Lord has surrounded me with is overwhelming.